My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
