wrigley field is MILF paradise
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
