You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
