so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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