I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize