I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
