I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
