Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
