if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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