So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
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Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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