I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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