Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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