My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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