I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
