Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
