Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
