Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
