I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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