Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
