Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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