I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
