I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
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You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
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Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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