I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i think i just lost a toe
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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