I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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