if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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