Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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