My cat gives me a boner
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
