I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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