First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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