I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
