I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
