Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
