the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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