I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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