I skipped work to stalk him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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