I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
