At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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