It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
