I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
