How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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