the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
