Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
