Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
