Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
