Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
FUCK WHALES
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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