As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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