Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
