The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Michael Bay diarrhea
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
