if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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