I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
