Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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