The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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