I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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