somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Someone came in the potted fern
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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