I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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